Old Man Cringe vs. Gen Z Slang BET!

 

"Alright, listen up, you walking 5G signals! I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely HAD IT with your goofy little Gen Z words. I wake up, drink my coffee, and BOOM—some kid on the internet says, ‘That’s a W!’ A W?! What the heck does that mean?! Why are we abbreviating the ALPHABET now?!"

"Ohhh, so now you’re too LAZY to say ‘Win?’ Back in MY day, we had real victories! You know what my ‘W’ was? Paying rent WITHOUT selling my soul to a 9-to-5 job that offers 'free snacks' as a benefit. THAT was a W!"

"Then there’s this ‘RIZZ’ nonsense. ‘Oh, he’s got RIZZ!’ ‘That guy’s a RIZZLER!’ RIZZ?! Excuse me, do I LOOK like a freakin’ Pokemon?!"

"'Oh, Grandpa, Rizz just means charisma!' THEN SAY CHARISMA, YOU LINGUISTIC MENACES! You turned a perfectly fine word into something that sounds like a cleaning product!"

"‘Scrub away your personality with RIZZ! Now available in Limited Edition NPC scent!

"And while we’re at it… 'NPC'! What the heck is this?! Every time I talk to a young person, they say, ‘Bro, you're such an NPC.’ AM I NOT REAL TO YOU?! I pay taxes! I survived Y2K! I saw the rise and fall of MySpace! You think Mark Zuckerberg INVENTED social media?! I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN!"

In My Day NPC was just a character you meet in a game. I AM NOT your NPC, you are NOT the main character in any story, especially MINE

"So now, if I don’t start every conversation with ‘YO, LIT AF, NO CAP!’ I’m just some SIDE

CHARACTER in YOUR little TikTok life?! WELL, SORRY, KYLE, I DIDN’T COME WITH A SIDE QUEST!"

"Speaking of which—‘NO CAP.’ What even IS THAT?! Back in my day, a cap was a hat. A Soprano’s charter was capped, usually by a guy names BIF PUSSY!

It was also, just a perfectly normal, useful hat. NOW it’s a lie?!"

"Who was out here lying so much that y’all had to make a whole phrase just to clarify you’re NOT lying?! Just tell the truth, you discount influencers! In MY day, we didn’t say ‘No Cap’—we just didn't hang out with LIARS!"

"‘Why did Grandpa just look at the menu for more than 5 seconds? THAT’S SUS!’ NO, YOU LITTLE GREMLIN, I’M JUST TRYING TO READ! Have you seen restaurant menus these days?! They’re in size 6 font and have QR codes that lead to a MYSTERY WEBSITE!"

And Guess what? A band that basically invented most of your alternative genres,. Stiff Little fingers was saying sus as suspect in 1979!
Who’s the old one now?

"You know what?! I give up! I surrender! Keep your ‘RIZZ,’ keep your ‘NO CAP,’ keep your ‘W’s and your ‘SUS’ and your ‘NPC’ nonsense!"

(Stands up dramatically)
"I’m going back to my generation, where a ‘vibe check’ just meant making sure the music was good, and where ‘hits different’ meant ACTUALLY FEELING EMOTIONS, NOT JUST DRINKING A DIFFERENT FLAVOR OF STARBUCKS!"

(Storms off, mumbling)
"You people are impossible… Next thing you know, they’re gonna tell me ‘Bet’ doesn’t mean ‘gambling’ anymore… Wait. WHAT?! IT DOESN’T?! THAT’S IT, I’M DONE!"

 “Thanks for watching! Like subscribe and Drop a ‘W’ in the comments if you survived this rant. No Cap.”]

Now, go outside and get offa your damn screens! 

 Old man Cringe vs. Atari 2600 Beat 'em and Eat 'em

Transcript:

Old man Cringe vs Atari 2600 Beat em and Eat em

Okay, you kids think you want to hear Old Man Cringe rant about video games? Well, buckle up, because today we’re diving into the bargain bin of digital despair and pulling out a “classic” – Atari 2600’s Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em. Yeah, you heard that right. Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em. The sheer poetry of that title just… sings to the soul, doesn't it?  

 Greetings, you digital delinquents. Old Man Cringe here, back again to plumb the depths of gaming’s… golden age. And today, we’ve unearthed a true gem. A sparkling diamond in the rough. A… ahem… slightly tarnished, probably lead-based… nugget of “entertainment” from the venerable Atari 2600. Yes, folks, get ready to feast your eyes – figuratively, please, for your own sake – upon Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em.

OLD MAN CRINGE (V.O.): Look at that box art! Masterful! 

The cone is supposed to be some dude’s junk. And the  ice cream, I don’t even want to imagine what they were thinking there. 

Take a look at the game screen.

Reminds me of… well, reminds me of what my TV looked like after I tripped over the antenna wire back in ‘83. Pure, unadulterated… visionary pixelation. You’ve got… uh… what are they? Turkeys? Eggs? Some kind of… avian… nightmare creatures. And the title! Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em! So… sophisticated. So… nuanced. You can practically taste the… culture oozing off this cartridge.

And the gameplay! Oh, the gameplay! Prepare to be… captivated. You control… well, one of those… things. Is it a turkey? Is it an egg? Is it existential dread made digital? Who knows! Who cares! The point is, you… you… beat the other… thing! And then… you eat it! Profound! It’s like a digital metaphor for… uh… breakfast? Or… lunchtime existentialism? I’m not sure. Frankly, I’m not sure even Atari knew what they were going for here.

Let’s be serious for a second here. 

It’s a disgusting Kaboom or Avalanche rip off. Some perverted dude’s dream of what a woman might want.  Let’s pretend though, that the women at the bottom are some sort of farm bird and the dude at the top of trying to feed them with his…um bird feeder…hmm anyway, picture that they are Turkeys or Chickens and the Farmer is feeding them from up high in a barn…that’s the only way I’m making it through this review with my sanity intact

“Beating” in this context, of course, is a generous term. It’s more like… pixelated poultry… passive-aggressively nudging each other. It’s less “Street Fighter II” and more “Slightly Irritated Barnyard Birds.” The controls are, shall we say, “responsive.” Like trying to steer a rusty shopping cart filled with bricks… uphill… in molasses. But hey, who needs smooth controls when you’ve got… strategy? Right? …Right?

 And the sound! Ah, the sound! Prepare your eardrums for a symphony of… beeps. And… boops. And… that one sound that’s vaguely like a dying cat gargling gravel. It’s… immersive. Like being trapped in a broken microwave oven that’s also haunted. But in a good way. …Or so I’m told. By people who are clearly hard of hearing

 But let’s be fair, eh? This is Atari we’re talking about! This is art! This is… well, this is certainly… something. It’s got… charm. Yeah, charm! The charm of… a root canal without anesthetic. The charm of… explaining cryptocurrency to your grandmother. The charm of… watching paint dry in slow motion… while listening to dial-up internet connect. That kind of charm!

 Now, some of you youngsters might be scoffing. “Oh, Old Man Cringe doesn’t understand! It’s retro! It’s nostalgic!” Yeah, well, I was there, whippersnappers! And let me tell you, even back then we knew this was… uh… let’s just say it wasn’t exactly “Pac-Man.” Or even “E.T.” for that matter! And that’s saying something!

 So, is Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em a classic? Is it a must-have for your Atari 2600 collection? Is it a testament to the boundless creativity of early video game design? …No. No, no, and emphatically NO. It’s… it’s Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em. And that’s about all you can say for it, really.

My final verdict? Well, let’s put it this way. If you find a copy of Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em, do not beat anyone to get it. And definitely don’t eat it. Unless you’re really, really hungry and have already consumed all other forms of sustenance known to mankind… and possibly alien life forms too. Then, maybe… just maybe… consider… playing something else. Anything else. Literally anything else. Go outside. Stare at a wall. It’ll be more stimulating.