Old man Cringe vs. Atari 2600 Beat 'em and Eat 'em

Transcript:

Old man Cringe vs Atari 2600 Beat em and Eat em

Okay, you kids think you want to hear Old Man Cringe rant about video games? Well, buckle up, because today we’re diving into the bargain bin of digital despair and pulling out a “classic” – Atari 2600’s Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em. Yeah, you heard that right. Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em. The sheer poetry of that title just… sings to the soul, doesn't it?  

 Greetings, you digital delinquents. Old Man Cringe here, back again to plumb the depths of gaming’s… golden age. And today, we’ve unearthed a true gem. A sparkling diamond in the rough. A… ahem… slightly tarnished, probably lead-based… nugget of “entertainment” from the venerable Atari 2600. Yes, folks, get ready to feast your eyes – figuratively, please, for your own sake – upon Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em.

OLD MAN CRINGE (V.O.): Look at that box art! Masterful! 

The cone is supposed to be some dude’s junk. And the  ice cream, I don’t even want to imagine what they were thinking there. 

Take a look at the game screen.

Reminds me of… well, reminds me of what my TV looked like after I tripped over the antenna wire back in ‘83. Pure, unadulterated… visionary pixelation. You’ve got… uh… what are they? Turkeys? Eggs? Some kind of… avian… nightmare creatures. And the title! Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em! So… sophisticated. So… nuanced. You can practically taste the… culture oozing off this cartridge.

And the gameplay! Oh, the gameplay! Prepare to be… captivated. You control… well, one of those… things. Is it a turkey? Is it an egg? Is it existential dread made digital? Who knows! Who cares! The point is, you… you… beat the other… thing! And then… you eat it! Profound! It’s like a digital metaphor for… uh… breakfast? Or… lunchtime existentialism? I’m not sure. Frankly, I’m not sure even Atari knew what they were going for here.

Let’s be serious for a second here. 

It’s a disgusting Kaboom or Avalanche rip off. Some perverted dude’s dream of what a woman might want.  Let’s pretend though, that the women at the bottom are some sort of farm bird and the dude at the top of trying to feed them with his…um bird feeder…hmm anyway, picture that they are Turkeys or Chickens and the Farmer is feeding them from up high in a barn…that’s the only way I’m making it through this review with my sanity intact

“Beating” in this context, of course, is a generous term. It’s more like… pixelated poultry… passive-aggressively nudging each other. It’s less “Street Fighter II” and more “Slightly Irritated Barnyard Birds.” The controls are, shall we say, “responsive.” Like trying to steer a rusty shopping cart filled with bricks… uphill… in molasses. But hey, who needs smooth controls when you’ve got… strategy? Right? …Right?

 And the sound! Ah, the sound! Prepare your eardrums for a symphony of… beeps. And… boops. And… that one sound that’s vaguely like a dying cat gargling gravel. It’s… immersive. Like being trapped in a broken microwave oven that’s also haunted. But in a good way. …Or so I’m told. By people who are clearly hard of hearing

 But let’s be fair, eh? This is Atari we’re talking about! This is art! This is… well, this is certainly… something. It’s got… charm. Yeah, charm! The charm of… a root canal without anesthetic. The charm of… explaining cryptocurrency to your grandmother. The charm of… watching paint dry in slow motion… while listening to dial-up internet connect. That kind of charm!

 Now, some of you youngsters might be scoffing. “Oh, Old Man Cringe doesn’t understand! It’s retro! It’s nostalgic!” Yeah, well, I was there, whippersnappers! And let me tell you, even back then we knew this was… uh… let’s just say it wasn’t exactly “Pac-Man.” Or even “E.T.” for that matter! And that’s saying something!

 So, is Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em a classic? Is it a must-have for your Atari 2600 collection? Is it a testament to the boundless creativity of early video game design? …No. No, no, and emphatically NO. It’s… it’s Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em. And that’s about all you can say for it, really.

My final verdict? Well, let’s put it this way. If you find a copy of Beat ‘em and Eat ‘em, do not beat anyone to get it. And definitely don’t eat it. Unless you’re really, really hungry and have already consumed all other forms of sustenance known to mankind… and possibly alien life forms too. Then, maybe… just maybe… consider… playing something else. Anything else. Literally anything else. Go outside. Stare at a wall. It’ll be more stimulating.